Suffering and struggle are often caused by a lack of self-centeredness. You can avoid much trouble by staying self-centered at all times! I’m sharing some tips on why and how to do that.
What it Means to Be Self-Centered
Being self-centered could be defined as being fully present and aware of yourself, occupying your entire energetic space, focusing on what you want and acting from this perspective. To me it also means being in balance, peacefully centered in who you are and acting from your core.
Some Signs That You Aren’t Being Fully Self-Centered
- You wonder what others think.
- You make your behavior dependent on other people’s reactions.
- You put other people’s interests before your own.
- You feel sorry for others, you wish you could solve their problems and you think about those.
- You want others to change their behavior.
- You focus on what you want others to do instead of what you want to create in your life. That’s the difference between “I want my partner to be madly in love with me” and “I want to be in a great relationship with a partner who is madly in love with me”. Big difference. It’s a matter of focus.
- You try to manipulate or control others.
- You focus all your attention on someone else and forget to leave some of your attention on yourself. When you do that, energetically you “disappear”.
- You don’t switch your empathy off and unintentionally merge with others.
- You are all busy with the past or the future instead of being present in the here and now. This is not about you vs. something else, but the effect is the same. Even if you are busy with the past or future you, you still are somewhere else in some way, instead of occupying your space, here and now. You might be mentally self-absorbed, but you are still not centered in yourself. You are there without being really there.
Why Deficient Self-Centeredness Leads to Suffering and Struggle
When you are all busy with other people’s business, who is here to take care of yours? Attention is energy. When your focus is permanently outside of yourself, you invest all your energy in others and you end up drained, depleted and exhausted.
You attract more of what you focus on. When your focus is all over the place instead of on what you want, how likely are you to get what you want?
When you’re not self-centered, you fall out of touch with yourself. Then it becomes difficult to know what you want in the first place, difficult to know who you really are, what your needs and desires are. You also disconnect from your own inner wisdom and might feel drawn to relying on external guidance.
What can also happen is that you lose a lot of innate self-regulation mechanisms. Normally, you’d know best how much work or which foods are appropriate. When you lose touch with yourself, you become vulnerable to all kinds of external beliefs, rules and shoulds. Because you feel you are “off”, in your search for balance you buy into other people’s agendas or beliefs held in collective consciousness, which might not be appropriate for you and lead to even more imbalance!
Without enough self-centeredness, you become remote-controlled. And your true needs aren’t met, your true soul isn’t expressed, and you suffer.
When you are mentally somewhere else, you are not fully occupying your energetic state. If you don’t occupy it, who does? Lacking self-centeredness makes you vulnerable to uncontrolled empathy, to the influence of other people’s energy, etc. It makes you more prone to have negativity attach to you and become a part of your energetic space – heh, since it was kinda vacant…!
When you are not properly centered, you get out of balance. You have no stable base anymore. You start focusing excessively on things outside of yourself. It’s easy then to give your power away to external circumstances or other people and to believe those can affect the way you feel, think and behave. As a result you may tend to try and influence your external world (which you have no control over anyway) instead of creating internal health. Or on the contrary you may withdraw and escape from reality because you feel so powerless to affect it.
You might also get attached to what other people do, think and want, or become overly dependent on external validation and other people’s reactions. It can cause you to interfere with other people’s business instead of taking care of your own. It might make it difficult for you to be authentic because you are scared of hurting others. Down the road all this can lead to manipulation, addictions, doormat syndrome or co-dependent relationships.
All this considerably blocks you, makes you feel bad, keeps you powerless and dependent, and seriously prevents you from manifesting what you want to create in your life!
How to Stay Fully Self-Centered
- Always keep some of your attention on yourself.
- Maintain or develop awareness of your physical body, emotions, thoughts and energetic states of being at all times, even when doing something else like solving a problem or talking to someone.
- Always ask yourself what you really want and act from this perspective.
- Make what you want about you, not about others.
- Say no when necessary.
- Take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts and actions. You are no victim.
- Let words and actions flow out of you without controlling them with your mind. This can be very scary (“Oh my God, what if I say something inappropriate?”) but as you let go and trust, you will see that your responses are genuine, authentic, and appropriate.
- Disallow other people’s emotions, thoughts or wishes within your energetic space. Fill your energetic space entirely.
- Ground yourself firmly. I have found it very difficult to be self-centered when not grounded enough. You need a firm, stable connection to the Earth. To stand in your center you first need to stand on your feet, not to float around. It also helps when your energy flows through you harmoniously, without blocks.
- Stay present. Focus on what’s happening now, here. Maintain present moment awareness.
- Abstain from judging. Judging immediately pulls you away from yourself, even if your judgments are your own.
Note: If being self-centered feels like crap and you would rather focus on other people to forget how crappy it feels to be you, then it’s time to stop using avoidance mechanisms. You can let go of the negativity within you, so that being aware of yourself is pleasant and fun again! If you think you might need some clearing, book a personal session with me!