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A modern man’s guide to be a complete bitch

I notice. Actually I notice a hell lot  of people around me. I guess that’s what you do when you end up being an auditor! Somehow, this habit works in my favor.

I do not proclaim to be a face reader or something, but in 25 years of my life, I have a fair amount of knowledge to pick out the rotten apples before they screw my gut.

It is hard to be a man. You are expected to be a stoic, stiff upper lip guy at times when you feel like crying like a kid in your mama’s lap, only to realize that she is not there with you. Moreover, crying when the other person is expecting you to console him or her is a bad option.

So are we going to brood over this? Hell no.

For millions of households, men are still the sole bread earner, protector and their child’s real hero. So you have got to make sure that you have your manliness intact even if all the nations are at war with each other.

However, due to some chemical attack we have no clue about, there is a new breed of men. These testosterone intolerant buggers are so much emotionally fucked up that the moment they get a chance, they would act like a bitch.And we grew up thinking that it was a way of chauvinists in order to stereotype women whom they could never feel compatible with 😉

In case you are bored of playing the man, I have a simple, step by step guide to how to be a perfect bitch. It is much simpler and can save you tonnes of hard work that goes into getting successful. Here we go:

1.Be shitty at your work: You cannot work like a pro at all. That is a cardinal sin. Being average at your work would mean that you have lesser assignments to take care of and more time to give your boss all the gossips of the workplace!

2. Spill the secrets about the other guy in front of another girl: Since you do not have the charm of a gentleman, entertain your better half by scooping stories about how the other guy dresses,flirts,works,shits and sleeps. Make sure that you make that guy look like a philanderer and a douche-bag so that the pretty damsel in distress won’t fall into the dirty claws of that werewolf you concerned motherfucker!

3. Pull the other lad’s leg in team lunch: So you have picked your bait-the simple calm guy who has no issues with anyone. Now all you have to do is to crack jokes on him, make him look like an asshole who is of no use to  the company. Remind him of that one incident when the manager kicked his balls. It doesn’t matter if that was a three year old incident, just grease it with your dumb-fuck humor and you are sorted.

4.Spend more time in the office cafeteria: This is the best way to get more leverage. You can always lend a ear and know about the private life of that girl who never took your advances. Now go on bitching about what sort of ho she is.

5.Develop the art of being jealous: An eternal bitch can never get along with people. But s/he can always fake it. S/he can hone her bitching talent by being really very jealous of everyone around him/her. So that senior colleague got a new car, get jealous! The competent one got a promotion, get jealous! Now go around proving that they both were efficient cock-suckers and deserved neither the car nor the promotion!

See, I told you that it would be a child’s play to be a bitch. A research by the National Association of Losers has confirmed that 7 out of 10 men have developed a high chance of being a level A bitch due to their incompetence and lack of motivation to work hard…

So go ahead and touch the sky…Be incompetent, be bitchy!

 

 

 

 

 

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